Why I Quit My Job

 

010: 

Okay, here we go. Stick with me okay? It will make sense if you read it through. 

There’s something stirring up inside of me. 

Maybe it’s the summer season in full swing, 

But it hit me that I’ve broken my cycle of vile inner dialogues. 

I like myself now. I prefer who I am over who I once wished I was.  

I like my skin color. I like my hair. I like my face. I like myself. 

And in that realization I have found how profoundly defining my journey has been so far.

For the last year, I practiced extreme gratitude. In that, I chose to look at the blessings rather than the story of my past. It was the best thing I could have done because now when I look at the constructs that created my personality I’m grateful, not sad. I’m thankful for the difficult times. 

See, like most of us, I didn’t have the easiest childhood. We moved. A lot. Some crazy stuff happened that I’m still left trying to make sense of. We lived in Pakistan for a while too and that is a big source of my ambition as well. Overall we didn’t have things that my friends had. A lot of people experience this growing up. People made fun of me for everything from how I looked to the clothes I wore. I struggled to find my place move after move. It’s pretty crazy how universal that part of my story is. I saw it in every city I’ve ever lived in. Kids making fun of other kids for what they didn’t have. I don’t know why we do that. Where is that behavior learnt? 

I watched my dad leave us and then helped my mom pick up the pieces. She worked day and night to keep our home all while pursuing her bachelors and masters back to back. Amazing right?

That’s where my work ethic comes from. 

I played mom jr. until I used distractions to numb myself from all the things I wish I could change.

I rooted all of that to the lack of money. 

So when I branched out into young adulthood, the only goal I had was to create a significant income. I guess it’s not a surprise that I accomplished that. I become completely independent by 21. I had my own place, car, furniture, computers, instruments, jewelry. Everything I own, I bought with my own money. I bought my family gifts. Sent my mom on her dream vacation to Iceland. Spent lavishly on my friends. All of this was an attempt to fill a void that I thought had vanished just because I was making good money. I barely had a life though. Spending that money gave me the illusion of having one. Shooting from early in the morning to late evening and coming home to edit, wake up, and do it all again. Day after day. 

Some people tell me that they don’t care what they make because they love their job so much. What about the other way around? People think I’m dumb for leaving it behind but what am I to do? I’m unhappy, unchallenged, and on the verge of 22. If I don’t make a radical change now, while I still have youth on my side, I will regret it and that’s the only truth I know. 

So here I am, just days away from my 22nd birthday, dropping some crazy news to my friends and family. I was going to keep it to myself, but I’m already getting questions about why I’m not available on the schedule anymore. It’s because I resigned, and today is my last day working for Flow. 

I have loved my time with this company. Seeing and being a part of growth is amazing. It’s addicting. So when it stops or slows down, you start searching for another fix. I’m addicted to growth. This is me trying to get my fix. 

I have no regrets because I know I served with excellence. I gave my all 100% of the time. I embodied the culture of the company to my core. I radiated the givers mentality. I went above and beyond in any project I was given. I would never usually admit this because it seems obnoxious to say, but I’m done downplaying myself. I know I did these things, so I’m not regretful in any way. The only thing I’m sad about is the slight feeling of letting any of the realtors I have served for the past almost 2 years down. I’m learning though that I have the potential to offer value greater than that which I am able to give in my position, and I’m leaning into that now by letting go. Letting go of the certainty. Letting go of the expectations of leadership. Letting go to my need for monetary security and affirmation. 

You can consider me crazy, ungrateful, or downright stupid, but guess what? This is my life to live. These are my mistakes to make. My lessons to learn. My money to earn or relinquish. I can’t live my life based on other people ambitions or lack-of. You can’t make people want what you want. You can’t make them understand where you are coming from. You can’t wait on people either. 

The people I have met through this profession have directly cause me to come a better version of myself day by day, month by month. When I say I love you to the people I shoot for, it’s a truth I pull from deep within my heart. It’s an offering and a receiving because the energy is an exchange and not one sided at all. I am thankful that Ryan and Erin took a chance on a 19 year old videographer almost 3 years ago. I am thankful to have added value to the company and to learn that I have more to offer than I give myself credit for. I am thankful for the mistakes I have made. I am thankful for my friends who are supporting me through this decision. I am thankful the leadership at the company took the news gracefully and wished me nothing but the best. I am thankful that I realize now is the time to chase dreams and not money. I am thankful that for the first time in months, I see a future for myself.

Anyways, today was hard but I did it. I made it through my last day. I’m leaving for a very well deserved vacation tonight for about 8 days or so. When I get back…..well, you’ll see. 

Photo of me taken by @tuurk aka TKRB. You can check more of his photos from the NYC trip here: www.wildagain.co/nyc

sarah zubair8 Comments